There’s no such thing as a dumb question — only a dumb answer

by Viv Sade

Dear Viv,

Why Preparation H? What happened to A through G?

— Alpha Bette

Dear Alpha,

H stands for hemorrhoid. Rumor has it the company was going to call it Preparation As … well, anyway, it was deemed inappropriate, even though, alphabetically, it would have shoved the product to the top rung of product placement and the yellow pages — never a bad marketing ploy.

Dear Viv,

If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, can electricians be delighted?

— Clever Cal

Dear Clever,

Of course. Just as musicians are denoted, cowboys are deranged, models are deposed, tree specialists are debarked and dry cleaners are depressed.

Dear Viv,

Is it true that a UFO was spotted hovering near the Churubusco water tower on Jan. 21? Does the newspaper have photos? That was the same night I was taken aboard a strange aircraft and probed repeatedly and several microchips were surgically implanted in my skull. I was falsely arrested 10 hours later for possession of methamphetamine. The pictures could help me prove my innocence.

— Crystal Menthe

Dear Crystal,

I’d like to help you out, but am concerned about some disparities regarding your story. According to the police reports, you were arrested after climbing to the top of the water tower with a Mr. Justas Daft and the two of you were caught smoking meth and drinking vodka while stargazing with a stolen — oops, allegedly stolen — telescope.

Dear Viv,

Are you ever going to take down the Christmas decorations in your front yard? We are sick of looking at them.

— Annoyed neighbor

Dear Anno,

Those are not Christmas decorations. Those are red and green Easter lights which happen to spell out “Season’s Greetings,” and be held by a fat, white-bearded, jolly guy in a red suit who looks a lot like one of the apostles. Geesh. Anyone can see that.

Dear Viv,

What religion do you believe is the one, true religion?

— Justin Case

Dear Justin,

Keep in mind that there is a “Highway to Hell” and only a “Stairway to Heaven.”

That being said, there are really only three religious truths that have remained steadfast throughout the course of time:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah;

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith, and;

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at the Showgirl nightclub.

Dear Viv,

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

— Clever Cal

Dear Clever,

Seriously, dude. Have you ever considered getting a job? Following the illogical logic of your question, people from Canada would be Cans; Muldova people would be Molds; residents of Brazil would be Bras; the folks of Bhutan would be Bhuts; and people from Kathmandu would be Kats, Mans, Katmans or maybe just Doos. And, residents of Kendallville would be Kens; those living at Barbie Lake would be Barbies; those from Hobart would be Hoes; and people from ‘Busco would be Buses. That hardly seems fair.

Dear Viv,

What do you think of the current political climate in America? Any words of wisdom since you are really, really old and I am so young?

— 18 & voting

Dear 18 &,

Really? Was two reallys really necessary?

Always remember: In any political climate, be careful when following the masses. Sometimes the “m” is silent.

Dear Viv,

I can’t believe they pay you to write that birdcage liner drivel! You should have your Writer’s Card revoked. I would rather read the phone book from A to Z than your giberish — and I’m sure it would be more interesting. Also, I was wondering, is your company taking applications?

— Pedantic Pete

Dear Peda,

Send me your resume and I’ll be sure and pass it on to the powers that be or maybe use it to wrap dead fish entrails. Oooh. Did I say that out loud? I kid. I kid. And, as my small token of thanks for your er, candor, I will include a personal letter of recommendation straight from the heart — one that I don’t give to just anybody. Trust me.

Gibberish has two bs, by the way, and Idiot has none. There was no Idiot in your letter? Check the signature.

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