Aging defined: From the latest in jeans to ‘Do not eat the beans!’

by Viv Sade

vsade@kpcmedia.com

The other day I ran into a friend who went on and on about the “good old days” and lamented that her teenage years were so far behind her.

5.11CBN-Summer 69

The author has no desire to go back to her reckless and anxiety-ridden teenage years. Here, she gathers with friends to try and stop traffic on South Street in 1969.

I suspected that she had been smoking crack. Because if there’s any decade that most people never want to relive, it is the teenage years.

I shudder just thinking about those pimply, bad hair, angst-ridden, tumultuous times. And here are some of the reasons why:

When you’re a teen and a date cancels, you completely freak out. When you’re old, you can’t even remember you had a date, and could not care less if he/she doesn’t show up. It’s also a bonus because you won’t have to share the pizza you ordered.

When you’re a teen you can’t wait to meet your soul mate, marry and spend every minute of the rest of your lives together. When you’re old, you have to keep working until you’re really, really old because you’ll kill your soul mate if you both retire and are forced to be together, in the same house, 24/7, for the rest of your lives.

When you’re a teen, you think you will die if your parents show up at the school play with 80’s hair, fat ties or wearing a pair of light-up LA Gear kicks and act like they know you. When you’re old, you think you’ll die if one of your kids shows up at the office with a Yosemite Sam tattoo atop a shaved head, two huge Cheerio-shaped hockey pucks inserted into both earlobes and sporting shredded jeans that would not cover a 2-year-old and act like they know you.

When you’re a teen, you fret and worry that people won’t like you. When you’re old, you sometimes go out of your way to make people not like you just so you won’t have to deal with them.

When you’re a teen, you purposely go commando to feel free-spirited and daring. When you’re old, you go commando because you simply forgot to put on underwear.

When you’re a teen, you like to stay up all night and sleep all day. When you’re old, you like to sleep all night and most of the day.

When you’re a teen you pierce your navel because all of your friends did it. When you’re old, you can’t even remember the last time you saw your navel, let alone put any sharp instruments near it.

When you’re a teen, you cannot wait to get your driver’s license. When you’re old, you cannot remember to renew your driver’s license.

When you’re a teen, you can’t wait to get older. When you’re old, you don’t even realize how or when you got so damn old.

When you’re a teen, it’s irritating because your parents think they are always right. When you’re old, it’s irritating because you realize your parents were always right.

When you’re a teen, you have to make hard and wise decisions about friends, smoking, alcohol, sex and drugs. When you’re old, you’ve been there, done that, and the hardest decision you will make all month is whether or not to visit the doctor for that weird looking mole on your upper arm fat.

When you’re a teen, you seek a lot of hearty friends to share a few good laughs. When you’re old you seek a few good friends to share a lot of hearty laughs.

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